We met way before my addiction took place and took over. You became my ride and die from the very first moment we met. Best friends or love of my life would be some the words I would use to describe you but they don’t even do it justice. You were one of a kind and irreplaceable force in my life, until that all changed, in one day.
Heroin coming in between our friendship is the one regret I cannot shake. We were fighting off and on about my addiction and how it was hurting him seeing me like this. Seeing me skin and bones, scabs all over my face, and only needing one thing, money. You would leave work and help me with whatever you could and I am eternally grateful you put up with me as long as you did. You watched as the heroin swiftly took me away from you and I watched as you tried to get me back. But I was surrendered to heroin as if this was how I accepted my life to be, forever.
I called you early in the morning, bitching and complaining about money that you “owed” me. Rushing you to bring the forty bucks while my dope dealer was sitting in the drive way. You did. You came right away and left work for me.
You knew me before heroin took over my life. You saw the wreckage just snowballing into a life of scary chaos and unpredictability. We spent so much time together including holidays or just holding me on the couch. You fought so hard to get me back and I am so devastated you never got to in this physical world.
After our fight, you left and never looked back. You couldn’t keep enabling me while I was just under the heroin spell. That was the last time I saw you. Leaving me in my driveway while I was running back to the dope boy to get my morning fix.
You went on living your own life, doing all the things you enjoyed like snowboarding and going on the boat. I went on using drugs and going to my lowest low. I lost you. The person who meant the most.
There was an accident August 22nd 2018. Four days after my first birthday without you. The day I became forever broken when you left this physical world. I was upset with myself filled to the brim with shame and guilt that I couldn’t get my shit together. That maybe if I wasn’t an addict this would of never of happened. My mind became infested and found myself at my lowest low. I was shook to the core. How could this happen. This miracle of a human being to grace our planet, taken, gone in a blink of an eye. No more celebrations with you, no more sad days, or just no more days with you is what hurt me the most. The fact you would never be running through my front door was a living nightmare for me.
I was determined to get sober. If not for me, for you. People don’t understand that in the middle of all of this negativity, a person doesn’t even see the dim flickering light at the end of the crumbling tunnel. There were days I don’t want to recover, I just want to run. Run from everything that has led me to this point, mostly my own demons.
You were the light of my eyes. Now you’re my star and forever my angel. The love I have for you will never break. I thank you for everything you have shared with me and brought into my life. Ever since that day, my mission is to make you proud and live life like you did, wild, free and full of love. Until we meet again Remy, please keep watching over all of us and sending your love.
The love for you I have will never go away and I want you to know I’m sorry. So very sorry.
SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service) or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations. Callers can also order free publications and other information.